In this interview, Ify Chimeziem, a sex and relationship counsellor, tells INNOCENT ENETA how internet addiction affects intimacy and interactions between people
Have you received any complaint that social media is impeding marriages?
No
How about smartphones and social media hampering couples’ sex lives?
My clients are people who have real sexual problems and are interested in physical solutions through the use of herbs and tutorials.
There is worry that social media and smartphones seem to affect effective communication in marriages these days.
Yes, abuse of social media and smartphones or devices can cause problems in marriages.
What about others who seek counselling from you on lack of communication in their marriages?
Lack of communication is the number one when it comes to marriage issues.
Again, social media is making it very easy for people to cheat or tempted to cheat.
Why do you think so?
Chatting with someone online has this mysterious effect that is both intriguing and sexy. People tend to get this romantic connection to someone online, someone far, who often tells them sweet words.
It’s like going to a masked party, where people have their faces half-covered.
What causes this attraction?
Without adequate communication and information, couples wouldn’t understand what their problems are and how to solve them. They wouldn’t know what is happening.
But isn’t it a way of letting off steam?
Mystery. And what reinforces it is that many people are lacking real intimacy in their relationships. For instance, a woman whose husband never told he loved her or that she is beautiful goes online and someone is telling her she is beautiful.
So, do you think couples should not take their phones to bed?
Yes. It’s not even healthy. And when you are spending time with your spouse, in bed or outside it, keep the phone away. Answer it only in time of emergency. Like when your family calls.
But smartphones are recent inventions and are expected to enhance and not impede communication. So, where is the missing link?
If a couple is on their bed, it should be expected that they should be emotionally attached and attracted to each other.
Why do you think a smartphone would break that connection?
If used well, it helps communication. For instance, I encourage shy people to use cell phones or text messages to send erotic or intimate messages to their spouses.
But when the devices are misused, like getting addicted to it. It impedes communication.
Recently, experts in Asia have recognised Internet/phone addiction as serious, which needs treatment. By the time you are chatting with outsiders online, you would be distracted, of course, and won’t pay much attention to your partner.
How would you treat such addiction?
The way you treat other addictions. Try to keep the person away from their devices and replace it with better and more enriching exercises. Also, let the person recognise and accept that the abuse of Internet and devices is killing his relationship.
It can be controlled through information or enlightenment. Many people who fall victim of internet affairs do not know the danger until they are entrapped.
People should understand that people they meet online are as ordinary as their neighbours; people they see every day and have the same faults and all. Nothing magical. They are online, behind a keyboard, protected by distance and emboldened by that too.
It’s easier to chat up someone online than to walk up to them on the streets.
Some years ago some young men allegedly used Facebook to lure an undergraduate, Cynthia Osokogu, to a hotel in Festac and killed her. Do you think wayward married women could put themselves in danger by connecting with strangers online?
I wonder why you are fixated on married women. Married men are also in danger of losing a lot when they throw caution to the wind and frolic online with strangers. I know that the percentage of men who engage in extra marital affairs online are way higher than that of women. Anybody, whether man or woman who ignores caution online, can end up getting hurt.
Do you think internet addiction is turning people to robots?
Not really robots. Anti-social, yes. Recluses, yes. People now hold up at home with their devices than socialise in person.
Another disadvantage of internet addiction is porn addiction. Porn addiction has increased astronomically. Most people now prefer to masturbate than go out and chase real humans. So, sexual problem is an awful offshoot of internet or device addiction.
Is it possible for smartphone and social media to destroy marriages and sex life of couples?
Yes; if the person is unavailable due to addiction to their device; if they cheated through their device and were caught.
Could the sex life of a couple dry up as they sink into internet addiction?
Yes. They may spend too much time online, chatting. They may meet people who could distract them from their spouse or marriage.
How do you think young people in relationships can handle such?
They should make conscious effort to limit their use of internet or device. They should also make conscious effort to create time for themselves and their loved ones.
You find so many youngsters hunched over their phones much of the time?
Yes, it’s a trend; a part of our existence now. So, we have to manage it like we manage other things in our lives. Human beings used to walk around naked. Now they wear clothes and that has become and integral part of our lives. But we won’t let clothes suffocate us, or fashion destroy our other ways of life. It has its place in our lives where it complements other aspects of our lives. So, devices and internet should be a part of our lives not meant to destroy other parts.
Finally, how would you advise depressed people, divorcees, widows and widowers and other lonely people; should they embrace internet addiction as an escape route?
They should seek professional help instead. Depression is a sickness that should be treated.
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